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Pharmaceutical Breakthrough for Musicians!

BITCHERIL (ditetraethylprimadonnabitchenhydrazine sulfate USP) brand of attitude suppressant for orchestral and other ensemble musicians, and certain species of vocalists.

325mg tablets
500mg caplets (Bitcheril Extra-Strength)
50g/l suspension (Bitcheril I.V.) for continuous intravenous infusion See also Alternate Forms, below

For the reduction of attitude, frustration, and generalized uppityness in orchestral and ensemble playing situations. For soothing of bruised ego.

For alleviation of feeling of technical, musical, and interpretive superiority to musicians seated farther forward. For temporary relief of professional jealousy, baton envy, and related conditions.

Temporarily deadens attitudinal receptors in the sub-primadonnal region of the left temporal lobe.

Note: The following are recommended guidelines, subject to increase in cases of exceptional attitude.

Children and Vocalists: Use of Bitcheril in these instances is not recommended, except in cases of child prodigies and sopranos, for whom extreme dosages have proven to be of therapeutic value (see Alternate Forms, below).

Violinists: Two 325mg tablets every 3-hour rehearsal. This may be increased to two Extra-Strength caplets if symptoms persist.

Cellists/String Basses/Woodwind Players (Except Flutists): One-half tablet every 3-hour rehearsal for every octave played above middle C.

Violists and Flutists: The recommended dosage of 5000mg every one-half rehearsal makes oral administration impractical. Generally, continuous intravenous infusion is indicated.

Brass Players: Research has shown that attitudinal receptors of brass players are immune from suppression by any means. The use of attitude suppressant agents has therefore proved of no therapeutic value in these cases.

Dizziness, confusion, decreased ability to keep track of running measure numbers. General decrease in creativity and originality. In violists, excessive dosages have been know to cause dramatic and uncontrollable increases in alto clef reading ability, and marked desire to play relatively uninteresting accompanimental figures. (See attached leaflet, "Accompanyingitis: Its Causes and Prevention")

For special situations.

Gripenot: Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in pleasant-tasting, espresso-flavored liquid form. For players experiencing difficulty in swallowing tablets. Also recommended for surreptitious introduction into colleagues' cappuccinos.

Whinebegon: Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in aerosol form, for sectional or orchestra-wide dispersal.

F**koff: Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in compact, Triple-Extra-Strength suppositories. Caution: This is the only form proven effective for child prodigies and sopranos.


Last updated: November 26, 2005